Gotta Go, Gotta Leave

I read somewhere that Cancers have the best memory and although I don’t buy too much into astrology I got to say that that particular fact about my birth sign is true. A year ago today SO and I went to see The Jacket at the movies and went out for dinner afterwards to celebrate his birthday. I was up late last night and decided to call and be one of the first to wish him a happy bday (it was around 11:40PM). We talked for a while about my decision to relocate temporarily and how he really enjoyed the times we spent together, and when can he visit blah blah blah. I immediately started to get a little turned off on myself. I’m so tired of meeting what are supposed to be jump offs and putting all this faith into something only for it to blow up in my face. Don’t get me wrong, SO is a good guy. His spirit is in the right place. It was through his own advice and support that I found strength to reach out to my family last year for the first time in years. Only thing is, why put up a front in the very beginning? I hate that mess. When we first met, we had sex. It was off the chain, bedframe knockin, name yellin sex and at first we agreed our relationship was to remain just that—physical. But then emotions started to get involved and he started talking about family and how much he wanted to build and grow with someone like me, etcetera, etcetera. So for the second time in my life I put my guard down for a dude. I allowed this man into my personal life, discussing family, past issues, future endeavors, so on and so forth. I mean I’m no grand Adonis here but for me to allow you in my world that deep it would have to be kind of serious. So we met last January of 2005 and since then he has switched it up on me a couple of times. Once it was during the infamous Spring/Summer time of the year when brothas tend to ac’ up. (per Vivica on 2 Can Play that Game). He then returned Fall/Winter of last year only to shack up with me, play house, and then disappear all over again. WTF??? Here I am a year later and I realized last night after our convo that I’m getting too old and too tired for this mess. Numerous times I have given up on the idea of a relationship with men and have courted women only to break things off because my manhood was still jumpin over biceps and pecs. When I met this man, I knew it would be a roller coaster of a ride with him cause we was just around each other too damn much. If I can turn back time, I would have just spared him all the BS he tried to bring into this talking about monogamy and family and stuck to my guns about us just having a sexual relationship. I have shut down so many clowns before in my past why did I let this one slip? Was it his dark skin and chubby cheeks? His smile? Was I sprung like T-Pain? What the hell was it? I need to find out soon so that this doesn’t happen again.

Also….I’m shaking cause I’m hungry!!! (Monique on Queens of Comedy) LOL I can’t wait to get out to Cali and strut my stuff. All this work GOTS to pay off! My legs feel like two wooden stilts on my body. AAGGH!! Why is my sister moving up her wedding to April! I’m so hot about it. It was supposed to be in September when I would have already been in Cali. So of course it would break her heart if I didn’t make it up there and they have pulled every scheme in the book to have me just stay up there for good even though I bought a round trip ticket.(the original plan was to go in June). I’m thinking WTF why not? I’m so ashamed of myself that one of the main reasons I was holding on to going in June was that I wanted to be near SO in hopes that we would still work. What kind of punk shit is that? I’m the one always there to let people know not to let others hold you back from accomplishing your goals. I need to take my own advice. Here I am pussy footin around the fact that I have way more important shit on my plate. So I have to start taking care of business fast this month. I got to sell 2 cars and a bunch of furniture before I jump ship on ATL so people pray for me this will be a long 30 days.

CrunkSpot:
“Temperature” Sean Paul